Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
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Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
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We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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