i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
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Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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