I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
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Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
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It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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