Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
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hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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