Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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