if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
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I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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