so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
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He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
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There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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