Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
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So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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