true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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