How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
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Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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