You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
love makes seman taste better
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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