Ambien. No doubt about it.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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