I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
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Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
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in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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