i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
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She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
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You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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