I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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