Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
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And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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