I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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