My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
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I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
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Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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