I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
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How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We left the knife in your bed.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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