A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
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We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
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YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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