So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
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she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
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She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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