If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Someone shattered a urinal.
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He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
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She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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