new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize