I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
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I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
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I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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