you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
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I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
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Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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