when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
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How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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