About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
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I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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