After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize