I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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