Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
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I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
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You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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