i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
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After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
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Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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