I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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