I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
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Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
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Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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