On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize