I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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