She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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