oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot wine drunk hurts
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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