I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
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How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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