I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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