She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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