Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
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You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
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Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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