i can't believe i had my finger in that
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
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We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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