i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
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we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
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I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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