My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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