I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
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