What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
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After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
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Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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