I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
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I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
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I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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