Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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