Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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