I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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